So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
