well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
