I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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