He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
