I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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