I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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