dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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