You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
