dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
