I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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