So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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