I just threw up on my dentist
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
