4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
