About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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