I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize