I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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