im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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