I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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