nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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