I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
