Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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