quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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