you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize