im having a threesome with these popsicles
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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