I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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