His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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