my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
