it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
