mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
