guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
