i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize