dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
