just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
