i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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