But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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