I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
