First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
