call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
