God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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