If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
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