I bet he comes in French.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
