He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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