talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This is the high leading the old right now
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
