My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
