Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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