doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
