Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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