I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
