Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
