Will you blow on my dice?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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