just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
