got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
