Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
