Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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