fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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