I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
