so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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