I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
