im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
