I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
