this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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