worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
