Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
