I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Your penis caused this!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize