If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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